Different But Equal in Marriage
Last year my husband and I started going for Marriage Bible study. People have regular bible study, but this one is specifically for marriage, married people and singles do attend. We do have this bible study every Wednesday evening, and I hope to be able to share every Wednesday, after the study, when everything is still so fresh and exciting.
Just so you know how we do this study; we listen to a video biblical teaching, then discuss afterwards. Our discussions are made up of biblical references, and more of testimonies, and application to our lives. Note that I freely use the word “biblical”, because this group is independent of any religion, so, there is no reference to any church doctrines, strictly what The Word of God says. I am hoping what I share will be of much benefit to everyone reading this post.
Before marriage most of us had different ideas of what it would be in there, some still have those ideas. Reality is, what we see in there is not what we expected to get. Growing up we always used to hear older women saying, “Vamwe murikumhanyira kupindamo, isu tichida kubuda”, (Some of you are in a hurry to get married, when some of us are getting ready to get out of it).
Thing is when you get into marriage, it seizes being a dating relationship, you are now staying with each other in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. Chances are you will then get to know your spouse even much better when you are in, and you might not like what you discover.
1 Peter 3:7 Amplified Bible (AMP)
In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honour and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.
Besides the background and upbringing differences, Men and women are different in so many ways:
Emotionally
Mentally
Physically
Chemical differences (hormones)
1 Peter 3:7 makes us aware of the physical differences between men and women, as well as how we are equal in God’s kingdom. But equal, doesn’t mean the same.
EQUAL
“someone or something that has the same importance as someone or something else and deserves the same treatment”
One should get into marriage relationship prepared to accept the differences between each other. Communication will become essential in being able to work on and around these differences.
I personally learnt not to impose how I feel and what I think on my husband, I should accept our differences. There is nothing wrong with being different, different is ok. It’s in understanding our differences that we grow. Misunderstanding our innate differences will create resentment, so we need to find unity in our diversity.
In this lesson, Pastor Duane Sheriff, was emphasizing on how we can learn to harmonize our differences, with the 4 levels of understanding our differences:
Acknowledging Differences
I have to admit that we are different, the differences we are talking about are not immorality or character flaws, we are talking about likes and dislikes. E.g. Bokani likes to have greens in every meal of his, I can certainly live without them…lol…, or I like reading, and he will probably not be able to read this blog post or any, because he doesn’t like reading at all.
Equal doesn’t mean the same, and doesn’t mean we will all have equal output. We have admitted that we are different, and that’s the first stage to working on the differences.
Accept the Differences
Acceptance is coming to recognize something, and realize its existence, and validity. So, we need to accept and not reject the differences. Rejection will create little foxes that will build up, and the result will be being judgemental. Also, we need to understand that acceptance and tolerating are different things.
Most of us tolerate and we mistake it for acceptance. Tolerance is a mere allowing of something, that can eventually irritate you, and will not amuse you. E.g. I can tolerate that my husband lives the toilet seat up, and eventually this can start a heated argument, based on that one issue; whereas acceptance is me recognising that I also live the toilet seat down, disregarding the fact that my husband has to put it up every time he wants to use it, hence the acknowledgement of our differences and accepting them.
Appreciate Differences
Appreciation lets the other person live in peace, love and understanding our differences. We achieve a lot through our differences by complementing each other. If I accept our emotional differences (knowing I anger easily), I will let Bokani handle the very sensitive issues in our life, and avoid unnecessary conflicts with other people.
The other day we were discussing options on what we can do to change the interior of the apartment we stay in. I hate everything to do with floor polish and floors that require that, so I quickly said let’s put ceramic tiles babe. Boks diplomatically said we couldn’t do it. I was arguing that ceramics are easy to clean, if it’s about the place getting cold, we would invest in war clothes blah blah blah.
Then one day at work, my workmate was talking about the house she bought, and how the cost was high because of the flooring. That’s when I realised Parquet flooring adds to the value of property.
From that day onwards, I appreciated the fact that Bokani has better knowledge when it comes to property, and property development than I do. I can handle the finance side …LOL
Access the Differences
When you have access to something, you become a benefactor of that. Now when I access the differences, I become a benefactor of the differences. I benefit from Bokani’s skills and differences, and Him from mine. Bokani is good at what he does, and I want him to continue doing what he is good at. Our skills and differences, harmonized will produce good results.
I consult with him on what colour fabric we should buy for our curtains or our bedroom linen, what colour we should paint our house (when we finally get ours), because he is better at that, than I am. His skills will make me look good out there in the near future, when people get to admire our house. That’s me accessing our differences.
I should not at any point try to make Bokani more like me. God created us different for a reason.
What Bokani and I have isn’t an anomaly. We value our differences, and we shouldn’t fight over it.
We just need an intelligent recognition of marriage, intelligence is acquired from knowledge, Knowledge from the Bible.
I will share a link to an audio of this teaching tomorrow on my Daily tips.
Be blessed and Happy marriages!!
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